real talk

real talk would be me telling you that i have no clue what to write for this blog post, and how i have had nothing to write about for the past two months. but nobody wants to read that.

so

if you really knew me you'd know that MLB stands for more then just major league baseball. plus i know nothing about baseball but the last few months i've tried to learn more but after midnight it just seemed pointless.

 

if you really knew me you'd understand why i hate wearing make up but i still put it on every morning even after i said i don't care what people think of me. 

you would know why i don't eat the bread that comes to the table and its not because of the 'carbs'. 

you would know why i don't like high school and it may be because of my attitude or that i wasn't out going enough.

 

if you really knew me you'd know how insecure i get with my body, and how i hate how my mom is almost two sizes smaller than i am. 

you'd know that i didn't get asked to homecoming this year and my mom seemed more disappointed than i did- but i ended up going with a kid who showed up in jeans and a tshirt and had my moms last name as a first name. 

you'd know that i've only really kissed one person because that kid at jenna jarvis's 18th birthday party doesn't count. some one said i'd be a legend for kissing him. 

i'm not.

but zac frampton remembered me as the girl who kissed some kid at the party. we became friends after that so i guess it worked out okay.

you'd know that i still don't know or understand the difference between then and than and how frustrating it is to try to decipher which is which. 

if you really knew me you'd know why costa rica has a special place in my heart and you'd know that i cried for a week wishing to go back. 

if you really knew me you'd know that being the center of attention is my biggest fear, and when they started chanting my name i looked at you for rescue but your mouth moved with the rest.

you'd understand why i love jackie and audrey but am more like marilyn.  

if you really knew me you'd know that i hate how quite i am. you'd understand that when i say "i have nothing to say", i mean it. and i guess its a blessing and a curse.  

you'd know that i love nice people and hate fake people and the fake compliments that seem to go with them.

 

you'd know that i love to smile.

you'd know that talking for to long gives me a headache, maybe because i don't talk often enough. 

you'd know that i love the rain and the way the water wipes clean with the help of the windshield wipers. it makes me happy. 

you'd know that i love it when people call me kenna girl or ken, it makes me feel like they actually know the real me. 

- Roosevelt Lee 

high school

as much as i am going to miss high school, all i have to say is

Never Mind.

 i never know what to say when the door knocks and i have to answer it. but you made it easy because you talked first and then it was normal. my hands shook with nervousness and anticipation.  your sister has the whole thing on video. you wore those socks i gave you and i was happy you liked them because i debated for hours if/ how i was going to give them to you. but that picture we got i guess made it worth the praying words i said before knocking on your door. 

 playlist one came up and you denied it and i felt stupid for asking about it, until they mentioned it on the bus and i elbowed you but you pretended you didn't notice.  just like i pretended i didn't notice the way you kept your hand on the small of my back after the song ended. 

i thought i was done with that feeling i got until she kept coming closer, trying to get your attention. i think she hates me. when they said get with a partner and you didn't move i pretended i didn't care to join and sat next to you. watching as they spun with laughter. they announced we all had to get up and thats when you grabbed my hand. we pulled up around three and we both wondered if your sister was at my house.  you said good night and walked away when they said come back. you talked more in that ten minutes then on the way home. i wondered how i could get you talking like this again. my heart felt stupid for the things you said and i pretended not to hear, but i know you know my name because the first song that played was Georgia On My Mind. 

blue

my palms sweat and my hands shake.  when i look up and see blue my heart starts to race and the adrenaline starts pumping through my, already anxious, veins. my mouth locks up and my mind races trying to figure out the best way to get closer. its like a drug, the feeling is addicting. my voice goes an octave higher than normal and i start rambling.  i close up. nervous, i'm nervous. 

but 

i keep coming back for more because i want more and more.  you're the fire that i keep coming back to and maybe one day i'll learn not to keep playing with fire, but darling its keeping me warm in this april snow. 

a day in review: my white converse

7:30 am-  she picks me up, i'm the white converse she took with her to costa rica, she's running late so she puts me on in the car.

7:45 am- she starts putting me on, waves goodbye to tegan and puts her hair in a bun.

8:00 am- we arrive at school.  she trips while getting out of the car, she does this almost everyday.  there is no official drive so we step in red mud that has turned me from white to tan in the last month.

8:01 am- i am the one who cuts off her circulation as she sits indian style in a big circle during morning meeting.  she can't understand half of it because half is in spanish and the other in english- or spanglish. 

9:20 am- she sits in spanish class and tries to understand her teacher, mrs. kenya.  mrs. kenya has her write on the board in spanish and no one is allowed to help her- she fails. she forgets that an english E is different from a spanish i... they have one thing in common though, they both make the sound EEEE. 

10:45 am- she is now sitting in profi's class and she can't understand anything. its all in spanish  and profi has braces= a lisp in spanish. instead, she sits on her computer and reads Jackie O. 

Lunch 12 pm- she sits with kids from her class on a hammock that hangs right next to the english room.  she talks with zoe and camille about lone peak- they've never been to a real high school before. leo and pierre ask about it too. 

12:40 pm- she sits in math- and mr jonathan ends up talking about surfing, then yells at pierre and idan for not getting their math homework done on time. 

1:50 pm- science. she gave a presentation with madi about the best way to fuel a city. they got the highest score out of the whole class, a 4, its like an A.  

3:00 pm-  its raining hard today.  leo gave her phone to someone as he shoved her over his shoulder and ran out in the rain with her.  i got soaked, but it washed a little of that red mud out.  

3:50 pm- we drive home. we stop by the local fruit stand on the way home and get seis (6) peepas (coconuts). 

4:15 pm- she finally takes me off and her feet ache from wearing me so long. i sit by the front door by the rest of the families shoes. i've been to a lot of places but i think this place was one of my favorite experiences i've been on with her.

"pura vida mae"

people

people are people

seven billion people
but

you're the one 

in seven billion

people are people 

but 

you're the smoke from the campfire

that doesn't go away

it hangs in your hair

seeps into your skull

slowly making its way to your soul

because

people are people 

but

you're the one 

seeping into my soul

only to slowly disappear 

disappear

disappear to come back

back

you came back

 because 

people are people 

hello i'm rose

when nelson said we were revealing ourselves last week my stomach dropped 

i've been hiding behind roosevelt lee 

its become my security net 

i mumble a lot 

and 

i'm quiet 

those two don't go together well 

i get a lot of "what?" 

and

i see a lot of the outside of circles rather than the inside of circles 

i see a lot of head nods and "yaaaaa" 

but here i didn't need to worry about how loud my voice was 

or 

how clear i was talking

or

if they even wanted to hear my opinion 

or 

what i had to say 

i just got to write what came to my mind 

and 

it felt good 

i like history, hence the name Roosevelt, but it also sounded good

i like my family more than most teenagers or people in general do, hence the name lee.

 its my grandma's middle name, my mom's middle name, and mine

i don't know how to introduce myself 

so

i'll start with what my family calls me 

my brothers call me ken

my mom calls me kenna girl

my dad calls me ken ken

my instagram, twitter and anything else you need a username for is kennadarling 

and well everyone else seems to call me kenna

but my full name is mckenna lee bland 

but here

i'm roosevelt lee 

dear me

dear thirty-five year old self,

i'm assuming you probably have kids by now.

if its what you thought, four kids has to be a handful.

you wanted to live in europe but now that you have kids i hope you are in the east, maybe boston or even virginia.

i hope you checked off your bucket list or at least some of it.

i hope you back packed europe, and went to that lantern festival in taiwan. 

i hope you've tried those churros at disneyland by now. 

i have to ask, were they worth the stomach ache? 

i hope you are still close to your brothers, they were your best friends growing up. 

i also hope you have land and some animals, you always said thats what you wanted. 

i hope you've gotten everything you've dreamed off, or at least gotten close.

don't forget to be you, and i can't wait to see what the future holds. 

love your much younger self, 

Rose 

i want to

i want to go back.  

i want to go back to that summer night. 

 i want to go back to when we had that old radio in our pantry and josh groban was all that played. 

 i want to go back to laughing in the back seat while making voicemails for the first time.  

i want to go back to when you gave me those M&M's. 

 i want to go back to the time they made fun of me and you stuck up for me.  

i want to go back to the time when the header on my blog was supposed to be white.

when those treats weren't on my counter.

when your eyes weren't the only thing i looked for.

i want to go back to the time when everything was simple. 

but 

i want to go to the time when i have my own radio in my own house.

i want to go to the time when i get to eat those treats and not worry about stupid calories.

i want to go to the time when i get to listen to ray charles with you. 

i want to go to the time when your eyes will look for mine as well.

i want to go to the time when coming up with a second post becomes easy.

i want to go to the time when i won't care about instagram likes. 

i want to go to the time when everything was simple. 

skydiving

the bones inside my body are the crackling of wood sitting inside a fire, and you lit the match.

my brain makes a hurricane out of my mind and the only rescue team i get it is you. 

my heart went on that ride, the one where it drops, and you are the one that pressed the 'drop now' button. 

my eyes follow you like a lost tourist with a map, in a foreign city.

but I'm fearful that my parachute won't open.

and you'll say you just wanted to go bun-jee jumping instead.

mom always said " the opposite of faith is fear"

so i'm fearful you'll find my blog and like hers better

i'm fearful you won't be the one reading that letter i wrote a few weeks ago

i'm fearful i won't grow up to be like cinderella and i won't "have courage and be kind" 

i'm fearful of talking to you because your down looking eyes are the reason i'm so quite 

i'm fearful you won't help me spend that sixty dollars that can't seem to disappear 

i'm fearful that i'm more of a tourist than a local 

i'm fearful that these fears will only get worse as i grow older 

Georgia On My Mind

i guess life is knowing the difference between alto and soprano, because i still have to ask which is which. 

and life is getting to things fifteen or twenty minutes early because getting there right on time stresses me out.

its also about eating to much on sundays out of boredom and regretting it on monday. 

its the trust that came when he showed me that one playlist, and now Georgia's On My Mind. 

its coming into the school at 6 am and feeling that blast of warm air that makes you feel safe for a second.  

its sitting in your kitchen at 11 writing this post because you haven't been able to come up with something you like.

its going along with what everyone else is doing because you don't know if you should go along with it or go away from it. 

its hanging out with those old friends, wishing for sophomore year and a more talkative self.

its staying home on friday night because your parents seem cooler than the indoor rock climbing place they all went too. 

its the instagram picture you wish you hadn't posted but keep because if you took it down it would hurt their feelings.

its watching your grandma cry because she is scared of death... life is being scared of death, and taking that fall, and texting him first, because what if? 

what if i don't get into that college?

what if he doesn't text back?

 

what if i fail?

what if i look stupid?

what if life takes over and all your what ifs become irrelevant.

but what if they don't?

 

what if they become your reality?

but i guess thats life. 

what does it mean?

what does it mean to be successful? 

does it mean turning in your homework on time? does it mean acing the test the first time you took it?

what does it mean to be successful?

is successful being on the cover of vogue? is successful being a size two and dating the star player?

what does it mean to be successful?

does it mean having a high number of comments & views on your blog? does it mean a successful journal? 

what does it mean to be successful?

is it sitting by the knight? is it being prom king or queen? is it having the most instagram followers?

what does it mean to be successful?

does successful mean being your true self? does it mean having self confidence? does it mean being kind?

what does it mean to be successful?

is it adding three more zeros to your paycheck? is it getting the job millions would kill for?

what does it mean to be successful?

does it mean the best house? does it mean the dream car? does it mean the most expensive clothes?

what does it mean to be successful?

is it getting the starting position on your sports team? is it being in the video in your english class?

what does it mean to be successful?

does it mean being creative? does it mean being original? does it mean being artistic?

what does it mean to be successful?

is it getting a perfect ACT score? is it getting into an ivy league? or is it getting into BYU? 

what does it mean? 

what does it mean to be successful? 

please, someone just tell me what it means. please. 

17

17 things i've learned in the past 17 years of life

- its ok to say no

- its also ok to say yes

- even if you don't want to go to that party because you are tired, you still should go it'll be fun, i promise

- school does have a point

- its ok to sluff class to go to lunch, attendance school isn't that bad

- find friends that call you friends back not just an acquaintance that takes you to hang outs with them

- its ok to not get ready or to not wear make up 

- its ok to speak your mind, your opinion matters

- its ok to be alone

- don't get embarrassed by silly little things, no one really cares anyway

- be careful what you wish for, one wish might come true and you will have a huge decision to make

- if you don't play a sport or an instrument, i promise you're ok, people really don't care if you do or if you don't

- take your time growing up. one day you will be months from graduation wishing you would've enjoyed more of high school

- its ok to kiss whoever you want 

- its normal to have a breakdown about school, mostly life, at least once or twice a semester

- say hi to everyone you know, they'll feel loved for it

- be you. not her, or him, or they, be you

5 ,6 ,7 ,8 ,9 ,10 ,11 & 12

fifth & sixth grade love was signing up for hotmail, not gmail, and sending emails and IMs back and forth of " i like, like, like like you".  And teasing them on the play ground, and having rosy cheeks if they say hi to you. oh, you can't forget the iconic email of "I like you. Do you like me??????"

seventh grade love was the "will you go out with me?" love.  it was the text saying "want to hold hands?" and replying back with "uh, sure?" its the sweaty palms and the embarrassment of having all your friends watch and not saying a word to each other after. it's the Facebook "I LOVVVEEE YOUUU!!!" and the M&M's you gave me and the bracelets i still have.

eighth grade love i don't even know- it is whatever you think it is.

ninth grade love was the hopeless romantic idea of a boyfriend. the sweaty basketball games and hugs. it was the "i like you too :)" and the "can i come over?".  it was the nervous butterflies in your stomach, trying to figure out how to cuddle with someone for the first time, and realizing that it was fun.  its the first kiss and the second kiss and the to many kisses to keep track.  it was realizing you liked his best friend more than you like him.

tenth grade love was seeing eighth grade love at the football game and hanging out for a week. then realizing he just wants to kiss. so you leave.

eleventh grade love was watching him, hoping he would notice you.  it was finally gaining the courage to ask someone on a date. (i always thought that was the guys job.) it was the sweaty palms of hoping you would make good conversation.  it was singing to the top of your lungs to Michael Jackson, and then hugging for the last time in two years. 

twelfth grade love, twelfth grade love is noticing him.  its history and music and traveling conversation and eye contact the keeps me sane through out the week. it's asking someone you don't know to a dance and finding out more about yourself than you thought you would. its comparing him to him on the way home from breakfast. (why did i notice you now?) its springsteen and mumford and sons and not climbing that tree just to stand next to him. 

paris love is the love that lasts forever. its the love that takes forever to figure out and people for forever have been trying to figure it out. i think the paris love is the love that keeps you up until four am pondering life and wishing he was right there with you. paris love is the feeling you get as you ride that elevator to the top of the eiffel tower; scary, magical, thrilling and exciting. paris love is landing in the city of love and wanting to explore and find all the secret streets that no tourist knows about.  paris love is the love that people dream about. 

"you can choose to surrender to love or not, but in the end love strikes like lightning." - the paper airplane i picked up in class

to you, yes you

dear you, 

yes you, you know who you are, you where the first person i told my blog name to. 

i wanted to thank you. thank you for showing me what the word passionate means. thank you for showing me that questions can go farther than "what is the color of your tooth brush?".  thank you for showing me that people care. thank you for just stopping by to say hi and see me, even if it was for five minutes.  thank you for being willing to tell me all about your thursday.  thank you for sharing that saturday with me.  thank you for that forehead kiss, that made me dizzy when walking out to my car. thank you for teaching me that, thats what love is all about.  It was beautiful.

beautiful

Boys

Eat

Apples

Under

Trees
                      
In

Fall

Under

Leaves

i have

i know I'm human because, i have a pulse; with lively red blood that flows through my body, especially under my cheeks when i do something stupid. i have a beating heart, that pounds like a hammer pounding a nail into wood. i have a stomach that eats more butterfly's than it can handle at times. i have hands that shake like a martini ready to be shaken and poured. i have a brain that spins like those rides at carnivals that make you throw up. 

so, 

i'm not a robot. 

august

what do you think of when you think of august?

i think of him in his basketball shorts, with his typical baseball hat, was it the yankees? i think of the conversation we had. i think of europe, specifically france. most importantly i think of you. because isn't it "funny how a melody sounds like a memory"?

what do i think of?

what do you think of? 

what does he think of? 

cause i think of you.

i think of you. 

you.

dear nurse

when i was little i had a surgery and before hand a nurse came into give me medicine.  she was not a nice nurse, i don't think she liked her job.  so being the nice person she was, she shoved the medicine down my throat because i refused to take it. well, i took it alright but not without a fight or some nice words.  as she left i kindly shouted "RUDE NURSE!" down the hall to her.

i tell you this story because i feel like thats what happened with my creativity, the only difference is i'm still screaming to get it back.  someone shoved and took my crayons and walked down the hall without giving them back. and i miss them, especially the blue one. so this is to the nurse, the teacher, and who ever else that stole a piece of my creativity, could you please un-shove it and give them back?

- roosevelt lee

i do

i don't know how to start, so i'll start by saying hi and telling you that i'm more of an introvert than an extrovert.  i don't like ice cream, it makes me feel sick. i prefer cats to dogs. i'm not clumsy but i did fall down his stairs, and my head gets like this when i see him

i would rather have a boyfriend than a crush, but i guess right now a crush will do. i do like the sound that metal makes when meeting the ground on a 1200 pound foot...if that makes sense to anyone. i don't like the way i look in pictures. i don't like being around a lot of people but, i guess i don't like being around small groups of people either, it just means less people to avoid with more of a consequence in getting caught not saying hi and making eye contact. 

this boy put it perfectly once, he said; "i would rather talk to people who want to listen to me than talk to people who could careless about me and my opinion." 

i do remember one of the first things he told me was "this may sound weird but your voice is really cool." i do know that was the weirdest but coolest complement i've gotten. and i do know this line from someone's favorite song has been stuck in my head for months; "just promise me we'll be alright..." 

i do know i've repeated that line in my head because that someone gives me hope, of something. i do prefer books to movies. i don't like rap music even though thats all that seems to float through these halls. i do know my favorite quote came from a movie i have yet to see. i do know my favorite view is from a small aircraft thats 30,000 feet above ground. it means something new. 

i barely know who roosevelt is and the power that comes from that name but i do know lee and the smell of fresh bread coming from her kitchen. 

i do hope i can make at least one of them proud.

-Roosevelt Lee