Never Mind.

 i never know what to say when the door knocks and i have to answer it. but you made it easy because you talked first and then it was normal. my hands shook with nervousness and anticipation.  your sister has the whole thing on video. you wore those socks i gave you and i was happy you liked them because i debated for hours if/ how i was going to give them to you. but that picture we got i guess made it worth the praying words i said before knocking on your door. 

 playlist one came up and you denied it and i felt stupid for asking about it, until they mentioned it on the bus and i elbowed you but you pretended you didn't notice.  just like i pretended i didn't notice the way you kept your hand on the small of my back after the song ended. 

i thought i was done with that feeling i got until she kept coming closer, trying to get your attention. i think she hates me. when they said get with a partner and you didn't move i pretended i didn't care to join and sat next to you. watching as they spun with laughter. they announced we all had to get up and thats when you grabbed my hand. we pulled up around three and we both wondered if your sister was at my house.  you said good night and walked away when they said come back. you talked more in that ten minutes then on the way home. i wondered how i could get you talking like this again. my heart felt stupid for the things you said and i pretended not to hear, but i know you know my name because the first song that played was Georgia On My Mind. 

blue

my palms sweat and my hands shake.  when i look up and see blue my heart starts to race and the adrenaline starts pumping through my, already anxious, veins. my mouth locks up and my mind races trying to figure out the best way to get closer. its like a drug, the feeling is addicting. my voice goes an octave higher than normal and i start rambling.  i close up. nervous, i'm nervous. 

but 

i keep coming back for more because i want more and more.  you're the fire that i keep coming back to and maybe one day i'll learn not to keep playing with fire, but darling its keeping me warm in this april snow. 

a day in review: my white converse

7:30 am-  she picks me up, i'm the white converse she took with her to costa rica, she's running late so she puts me on in the car.

7:45 am- she starts putting me on, waves goodbye to tegan and puts her hair in a bun.

8:00 am- we arrive at school.  she trips while getting out of the car, she does this almost everyday.  there is no official drive so we step in red mud that has turned me from white to tan in the last month.

8:01 am- i am the one who cuts off her circulation as she sits indian style in a big circle during morning meeting.  she can't understand half of it because half is in spanish and the other in english- or spanglish. 

9:20 am- she sits in spanish class and tries to understand her teacher, mrs. kenya.  mrs. kenya has her write on the board in spanish and no one is allowed to help her- she fails. she forgets that an english E is different from a spanish i... they have one thing in common though, they both make the sound EEEE. 

10:45 am- she is now sitting in profi's class and she can't understand anything. its all in spanish  and profi has braces= a lisp in spanish. instead, she sits on her computer and reads Jackie O. 

Lunch 12 pm- she sits with kids from her class on a hammock that hangs right next to the english room.  she talks with zoe and camille about lone peak- they've never been to a real high school before. leo and pierre ask about it too. 

12:40 pm- she sits in math- and mr jonathan ends up talking about surfing, then yells at pierre and idan for not getting their math homework done on time. 

1:50 pm- science. she gave a presentation with madi about the best way to fuel a city. they got the highest score out of the whole class, a 4, its like an A.  

3:00 pm-  its raining hard today.  leo gave her phone to someone as he shoved her over his shoulder and ran out in the rain with her.  i got soaked, but it washed a little of that red mud out.  

3:50 pm- we drive home. we stop by the local fruit stand on the way home and get seis (6) peepas (coconuts). 

4:15 pm- she finally takes me off and her feet ache from wearing me so long. i sit by the front door by the rest of the families shoes. i've been to a lot of places but i think this place was one of my favorite experiences i've been on with her.

"pura vida mae"

people

people are people

seven billion people
but

you're the one 

in seven billion

people are people 

but 

you're the smoke from the campfire

that doesn't go away

it hangs in your hair

seeps into your skull

slowly making its way to your soul

because

people are people 

but

you're the one 

seeping into my soul

only to slowly disappear 

disappear

disappear to come back

back

you came back

 because 

people are people