real talk

real talk would be me telling you that i have no clue what to write for this blog post, and how i have had nothing to write about for the past two months. but nobody wants to read that.

so

if you really knew me you'd know that MLB stands for more then just major league baseball. plus i know nothing about baseball but the last few months i've tried to learn more but after midnight it just seemed pointless.

 

if you really knew me you'd understand why i hate wearing make up but i still put it on every morning even after i said i don't care what people think of me. 

you would know why i don't eat the bread that comes to the table and its not because of the 'carbs'. 

you would know why i don't like high school and it may be because of my attitude or that i wasn't out going enough.

 

if you really knew me you'd know how insecure i get with my body, and how i hate how my mom is almost two sizes smaller than i am. 

you'd know that i didn't get asked to homecoming this year and my mom seemed more disappointed than i did- but i ended up going with a kid who showed up in jeans and a tshirt and had my moms last name as a first name. 

you'd know that i've only really kissed one person because that kid at jenna jarvis's 18th birthday party doesn't count. some one said i'd be a legend for kissing him. 

i'm not.

but zac frampton remembered me as the girl who kissed some kid at the party. we became friends after that so i guess it worked out okay.

you'd know that i still don't know or understand the difference between then and than and how frustrating it is to try to decipher which is which. 

if you really knew me you'd know why costa rica has a special place in my heart and you'd know that i cried for a week wishing to go back. 

if you really knew me you'd know that being the center of attention is my biggest fear, and when they started chanting my name i looked at you for rescue but your mouth moved with the rest.

you'd understand why i love jackie and audrey but am more like marilyn.  

if you really knew me you'd know that i hate how quite i am. you'd understand that when i say "i have nothing to say", i mean it. and i guess its a blessing and a curse.  

you'd know that i love nice people and hate fake people and the fake compliments that seem to go with them.

 

you'd know that i love to smile.

you'd know that talking for to long gives me a headache, maybe because i don't talk often enough. 

you'd know that i love the rain and the way the water wipes clean with the help of the windshield wipers. it makes me happy. 

you'd know that i love it when people call me kenna girl or ken, it makes me feel like they actually know the real me. 

- Roosevelt Lee 

high school

as much as i am going to miss high school, all i have to say is

Never Mind.

 i never know what to say when the door knocks and i have to answer it. but you made it easy because you talked first and then it was normal. my hands shook with nervousness and anticipation.  your sister has the whole thing on video. you wore those socks i gave you and i was happy you liked them because i debated for hours if/ how i was going to give them to you. but that picture we got i guess made it worth the praying words i said before knocking on your door. 

 playlist one came up and you denied it and i felt stupid for asking about it, until they mentioned it on the bus and i elbowed you but you pretended you didn't notice.  just like i pretended i didn't notice the way you kept your hand on the small of my back after the song ended. 

i thought i was done with that feeling i got until she kept coming closer, trying to get your attention. i think she hates me. when they said get with a partner and you didn't move i pretended i didn't care to join and sat next to you. watching as they spun with laughter. they announced we all had to get up and thats when you grabbed my hand. we pulled up around three and we both wondered if your sister was at my house.  you said good night and walked away when they said come back. you talked more in that ten minutes then on the way home. i wondered how i could get you talking like this again. my heart felt stupid for the things you said and i pretended not to hear, but i know you know my name because the first song that played was Georgia On My Mind. 

blue

my palms sweat and my hands shake.  when i look up and see blue my heart starts to race and the adrenaline starts pumping through my, already anxious, veins. my mouth locks up and my mind races trying to figure out the best way to get closer. its like a drug, the feeling is addicting. my voice goes an octave higher than normal and i start rambling.  i close up. nervous, i'm nervous. 

but 

i keep coming back for more because i want more and more.  you're the fire that i keep coming back to and maybe one day i'll learn not to keep playing with fire, but darling its keeping me warm in this april snow. 

a day in review: my white converse

7:30 am-  she picks me up, i'm the white converse she took with her to costa rica, she's running late so she puts me on in the car.

7:45 am- she starts putting me on, waves goodbye to tegan and puts her hair in a bun.

8:00 am- we arrive at school.  she trips while getting out of the car, she does this almost everyday.  there is no official drive so we step in red mud that has turned me from white to tan in the last month.

8:01 am- i am the one who cuts off her circulation as she sits indian style in a big circle during morning meeting.  she can't understand half of it because half is in spanish and the other in english- or spanglish. 

9:20 am- she sits in spanish class and tries to understand her teacher, mrs. kenya.  mrs. kenya has her write on the board in spanish and no one is allowed to help her- she fails. she forgets that an english E is different from a spanish i... they have one thing in common though, they both make the sound EEEE. 

10:45 am- she is now sitting in profi's class and she can't understand anything. its all in spanish  and profi has braces= a lisp in spanish. instead, she sits on her computer and reads Jackie O. 

Lunch 12 pm- she sits with kids from her class on a hammock that hangs right next to the english room.  she talks with zoe and camille about lone peak- they've never been to a real high school before. leo and pierre ask about it too. 

12:40 pm- she sits in math- and mr jonathan ends up talking about surfing, then yells at pierre and idan for not getting their math homework done on time. 

1:50 pm- science. she gave a presentation with madi about the best way to fuel a city. they got the highest score out of the whole class, a 4, its like an A.  

3:00 pm-  its raining hard today.  leo gave her phone to someone as he shoved her over his shoulder and ran out in the rain with her.  i got soaked, but it washed a little of that red mud out.  

3:50 pm- we drive home. we stop by the local fruit stand on the way home and get seis (6) peepas (coconuts). 

4:15 pm- she finally takes me off and her feet ache from wearing me so long. i sit by the front door by the rest of the families shoes. i've been to a lot of places but i think this place was one of my favorite experiences i've been on with her.

"pura vida mae"

people

people are people

seven billion people
but

you're the one 

in seven billion

people are people 

but 

you're the smoke from the campfire

that doesn't go away

it hangs in your hair

seeps into your skull

slowly making its way to your soul

because

people are people 

but

you're the one 

seeping into my soul

only to slowly disappear 

disappear

disappear to come back

back

you came back

 because 

people are people 

hello i'm rose

when nelson said we were revealing ourselves last week my stomach dropped 

i've been hiding behind roosevelt lee 

its become my security net 

i mumble a lot 

and 

i'm quiet 

those two don't go together well 

i get a lot of "what?" 

and

i see a lot of the outside of circles rather than the inside of circles 

i see a lot of head nods and "yaaaaa" 

but here i didn't need to worry about how loud my voice was 

or 

how clear i was talking

or

if they even wanted to hear my opinion 

or 

what i had to say 

i just got to write what came to my mind 

and 

it felt good 

i like history, hence the name Roosevelt, but it also sounded good

i like my family more than most teenagers or people in general do, hence the name lee.

 its my grandma's middle name, my mom's middle name, and mine

i don't know how to introduce myself 

so

i'll start with what my family calls me 

my brothers call me ken

my mom calls me kenna girl

my dad calls me ken ken

my instagram, twitter and anything else you need a username for is kennadarling 

and well everyone else seems to call me kenna

but my full name is mckenna lee bland 

but here

i'm roosevelt lee